couldn't sleep last night, and all thoughts turned to you, though its not clear which came first, the insomnia or you. memories that had been evaded for the past few years came trickling back, rehashing an old wound that never seemed to heal completely.

the countless rounds of "speed" into the wee hours of the morning, the walk in the dark to the beach at night, the jogs in the forests, the overcrowded rooms, the always failed attempts to wake up in time to catch sunrise. images of you flashed through like a silent movie. you in your ridiculous pyjamas, you in your england shirt, you in your adidas jacket. everthing seemed like a dream, because, for that short period, nothing seemed wrong.

(at this point, words fail me, and i realise how my attempt to depict my internal struggle is pitifully inadequate.)

i know i passed the opportunity twice, once cos i was scared, another cos i chose to. i thought i was being noble, but i realised a bit too late that life isn't a fucking channel u drama.

i thought deep today, about how i'm probably not on your mind like you are on mine. the idea of someone centering your life like how you are centering mine. all i wanted to do was lock myself in a cubicle and kick myself to death.

i don't want to go on. its all regret from here, and regret is the most useless topic in the world. it's all about how you once had a chance to correct everything thats wrong now, but didn't. makes you want to kick yourself all the more.

scribbled
6:57 PM